He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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