I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
