I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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