I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
