how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He kissed a someone with a penis
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Randomize
