I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
