I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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