I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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