for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
