There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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