I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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