I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
