I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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