1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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