i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
50% drunk capacity currently
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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