i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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