I faked an abortion last night.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
