I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
