so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
