Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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