Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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