help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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