He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
