Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
