Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
