Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
