I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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