I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
