When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
