Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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