I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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