So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
