Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
