i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
