I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
