it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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