Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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