they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize