I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
