The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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