Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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