a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
