Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Randomize
