You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
