Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
