He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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