Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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