Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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