I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
