he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
