even my farts smell like vagina
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
