mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
