Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
