First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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