if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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