I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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