Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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