I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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